Friday, November 30, 2012

Insomnia

Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.  - Clifton  "Kip"  Fadiman.


I can certainly relate .  As I write this,  I am in a state of a continuous fatigue, caused by my own anxiety, and expeditiously, by severe insomnia.

Insomnia is a strange creature because it has no discernible pattern.  One might suffer from it for days, even weeks,  sometimes with no feasible cause.  Then it just suddenly disappears, and it has no timetable when, and if, it will return.

For me, it has substantially to do with the fact that my mind is forever moving.  Each individual thought process is it's own highway.  Some are racing like a drive on the Autobahn, fast and free. Then there are the ones that end up like a traffic jam of the Santa Monica Freeway during rush hour.  There are more of the latter then of the former.

You think more when you should be sleeping.  You think about sleeping.  You think about the fact you not sleeping.  You try to focus on a peaceful thought to relax, only for the image to be shattered by some fragment of memory you try to repress but your mind is just too tired to resist.
I have been getting back into meditation.  It does help me during my normal waking hours, but I noticed that does little for me during the hours I should be sleeping.

Then there are the drugs that are offered to me.  Some are by doctors and of course, the ones of the illicit variety that are offered by my good intended, but somewhat misguided, friends.  I personally do not take any type of drugs unless it is absolutely necessary to stay alive.  This is because  I rather deal with the symptoms of my mentality,  then deal with some of the severe side effects that I had to deal in past experiences with meds.

My writing has suffered.  One would think that with all the waking hours I experience, I should do more of it.  Now only do I less, but what writing I do produce seems to come out like s**t. ( Yep,I blame not sleeping then to admit to mediocrity.)

One weird thing I noticed lately is the energy I can muster when I really need it.  I then find I feeling even more worn down then before. 

I can tell you that I see things with more clarity then before, because it seems that  I have a need to do so.  ( I have others  verify the veracity of some things to make sure I'm not hallucinating.)   I think the fatigue makes me over-analyze at times, and in turn, it just feeds into it.

I do seem to nod off at times ( I did this while writing this as well).  I have even done this standing up.  It is a  very light slumber, lasting only a couple of minutes, in which I wake up and answer the question you just asked me.

I once stayed up for 80 consecutive hours. After this, I slept for 24 hours straight.  That would have to be the worst I ever felt  when woke up.

Sweet slumber will overtake my restless soul.  The senseless nothing now a healing bliss.  The dark hand of grim, with death he will dole.  And this woe will start with a maiden's kiss.

Tell me, you many people of the night. What keeps you up at night?

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